The Sad Truth About Vampirism (and Eating Babies)

Am having a bad day. I suspect this is due to my recently being afflicted with vampirism.

Let me just say right now that being a vampire isn’t at all what it’s cracked up to be. Firstly, you can’t just randomly go around eating folks (seriously, look around you. Do you see anybody you’d like to eat?). You can’t fly or turn into a bat. You don’t get super strength (although the heightened intellect and senses thing may be something). My canines aren’t suddenly retractable fangs. You can’t ‘turn’ or ‘sire’ anyone else – unless it’s a hereditary issue and you are not venomous (outside of scathing wit). More importantly you’re not super pretty or sparkly or anything, unless you were going in (and even then you will lose a lot of hair and your skin will get all weird, so). In long, being a vampire isn’t anything it’s promised in books and movies. Trust me, I feel completely ripped off. I was promised eternity. I was promised jet packs.

My foray into vampirism began possibly two years ago at Christmas. I began having severe vertigo and migraines. I’ve had migraines in the past, but never vertigo. Everyone gets dizzy, but I had never experienced anything like this. The world spins uncontrollably, and I usually wind up flat on my back holding on to whatever stationary object is next to me until it passes (if it passes). It also makes the world tilt up to one side, like I’m on a tipping ship. The vertigo got so bad that a Dr. Saxon from Brigham and Women’s Hospital had my drivers license flagged. Meaning I can no longer legally drive. You’d think with paralyzing anxiety disorder this would be a relief, but it’s not. It’s sort of like a slap in the face. (And I still haven’t ruled out the possibility that it’s an evil plot by the Master to keep me from helping the Doctor. Come on – Saxon? Yeah, I’m on to him.) After months of extensive testing, MS was finally ruled out and my neurologist started to treat me for the migraines with the hope that the vertigo would follow suit. So far – no dice.

These pictures represent a fraction of the army of Dia De Los Muertos skulls I made as favors for my brothers’ Halloween Themed wedding.

By the time we got to the experimental treatment phase it was November, and time for my brothers’ ‘wedding’. Without going into it too much, I ended up responsible for much of the preparations as the bride continuously dumped everything on Mum who couldn’t cope AT ALL. I went from designing and making the invitations to doing nearly everything: decorating the hall, finding linens, making 180 candy apples and dozens of lollipops, making over a hundred Day of the Dead sugar skulls, rallying entertainment, guests, you name it. By the day of the wedding I was running on fumes and the day after I crashed hard.

I have a compromised immune system that has presented in Crohn’s Disease – where the immune system attacks the body’s own intestines and digestive tract, and Hashimoto’s Disease- where the immune system attacks the body’s own thyroid. Woo for me! (I can’t wait for the disease where one person’s immune system attacks another person’s thyroid. That would be awesome.) So on the day after the wedding, when I got sick, I thought that between the insane stress and all the people and their cooties my body was getting payback for my having the audacity to use it. But weeks went by and I was still sick, feeling really miserable and sleeping all day. I started getting colder and colder and began to wear gloves all the time.  In December I saw my GP who threw me a bone and ran blood work.  A week later I get a weird urgent message from her saying there was something very wrong with my blood and I needed to see a haematologist right away.

Dun Dun DUNNNN!

To Be Continued in Part II…

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