Flail Maces and Your Local Library

It’s small but it’s fierce!

So I haven’t been on the blog yapping away dutifully as I should have been this week. I was having trouble writing something that didn’t involve my Mum being in hospital, politics (which I promised myself I wouldn’t discuss here), or being sick all week. At some point I started a little essay on my writing, which is something I do and have done and all the other tenses too.  But I got all bogged down and tired so I was like, no. They’ll get to hear me whine about my imaginary Hugo Award some other time.

I should probably leave something here to, you know, look like I know what I’m doing with a blog. So here it is:

Today I took my dog to the library. Because my dog likes to be driven around in cars with his head out the window, and rocketing over to the library is as good a cruise as any. On the way over the subject of guns came up, as it tends to do.  Technically the subject somehow was on the topic of raccoons, which led me to regale BB with the details of a Nature documentary I had once seen on pest species that are rocking it in human inhabited areas, which led to a conversation on how one state was being overrun by white tailed deer and the various methods they were trying to thin the herds, which led to a conversation on hunting laws, which led to a definition of ‘primitive weaponry’, which BB felt I needed since he thought my idea of ‘primitive weaponry’ would be a mace, but I had to correct him because my definition of ‘primitive weaponry’ would be a rock, and I would categorize a mace as ‘awesome weaponry’.  (How was that for a run on sentence? Suck it fifth grade grammar!) Overall it became a conversation on gun control because, I’ll put it right here – Guns Are For Chumps. This is my campaign slogan. Feel free to chuck it around some.

So this should be enough to rile feathers and I don’t care. Guns are for chumps for no other reason than the fact that they are too easy. There is no skill in killing something you can’t get face to face with. Sorry. You want to make it fair, you want to make it skilled, you want to have a show of strength be it in war or in a battle betwixt two nerds next to a station wagon, guns aren’t going to cut it. What will? I’m glad you asked. Swords, betches. Swords. And maces. Flail maces especially. Knives. Brute strength. Big rocks. I’ll go as far as to say bow and arrow is acceptable, but crossbows aren’t.

But bnpqoe, isn’t there skill in shooting a gun? Not really and I’ll tell you why: a gun was made to kill something from a far distance. Unless you are a mob hitman or a sadist you typically don’t go for the eye contact in shooting someone. It’s a cowards weapon, a drive by weapon. Knock on my door with an epee and a grudge and I’ll respectfully let you in, sir.

But how would you know? You probably have never fired a gun before, you probably don’t know how hard it is to aim and shoot some of those things! You’d be wrong there again, chum. I have indeed fired a gun, more than one more than once. And not at a fair or carnival game either.

But bnpqoe, doesn’t all this talk of swords and maces just mean that you’re a huge medieval faire nerd, or at the very least into LARPing? No. Because my list also includes lasers – but only if you build them yourself, from scratch, and even then only if they are rolled into the field of battle, and not shot from afar. And the only time I would go to a medieval faire would be if I were dressed as Doctor Who (or one of his compatriots).

But doesn’t that count at LARPing? No it doesn’t. Shut the hell up.

See, there’s method to this madness. At the library I continued my rant and expounded on the virtues of a good flail mace. It was agreed that it was a respectable weapon, especially when you consider that one chuck at someone’s noggin was just as likely to come back and literally smack you in the face as it was to crack your enemies skull. I left my local library heavy with books and a pretty good idea that I’ve scared the shit out of my librarians (yet again).

I love my local library. And I am very sure my library is very happy that I use their online service to reserve the books I want to read, so I don’t spend any time looking around for them and making small talk with patrons and staff.

Support your local library folks! And remember: Guns are for Chumps!

This is Cobble driving to the library. Usually his mouth is WIDE OPEN like an alligator. I think maybe he’s swallowed a bug (he has that look of one who has inadvertently swallowed a bug).

A brief side note:

In the parking lot an extremely elderly couple that had been leaving the library while I was going in were in their car blocking the library entrance. They were revving the engine like mad and looking around at each other completely panicked. It took me a second to understand what was going on – the elderly man had his foot on the accelerator and didn’t realize it. They were panicking because they thought the car was exploding or something.  I just stood there as I couldn’t get their attention to help them and I didn’t want to cross either end of the car in case they decided to suddenly put the car into (or knock the car into) gear and run me over. I was always supposed to die by being backed over by an off duty ambulance;  I’ll be damned if I let these two get to me first.  Suddenly he pulled his foot off the gas pedal and they sat back and looked at each other for a moment before driving off out of the lot. To run over folks in front of a shopping center, I suspect.


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